Guardian Angel: The MRT Guy Story

 

Prologue: 
Nagpunta ako sa isang office branch dito sa Laguna to verify something. Kailangan ko ng official stamp sa isang document. It's not my first time na kumuha nito so thought I can still accomplish it kahit tanghali na. But their process has changed, sabi ni kuya guard and it was since pandemic happened. Naubusan ako ng number. He's right. I should have been smarter.  In short, hindi ko nagawa yung dapat kong gagawin. Fin. 

Next day, due to my elevated frustration I decided to travel. Charot. Lumuwas ako ng Pasig para magpa-medical. Maaga akong dumating kaya maaga din akong natapos. Obviously, pandemic didn't change everything kasi procedures in the clinic's been the same. Loser ✌️. Or should I say, Thank God 🙏.

It's only 10am nung natapos ako sa clinic. It's still early for me and I really need to do something physical. I took a long laid-back walk going to the MRT station. Kung sino man ang pasimuno ng libreng pamasahe sa MRT, you're a guardian angel. I hope it can be permanent for the entire train system sa bansa. It's been done for the EDSA carousel and really hoping that it'll be for good. This can serve more than just motivation for workers on their struggles taking public transport everyday. Yes, motivation. I can say that it worked for me well. 

Habang naglalakad ako puntang MRT station, napansin ko ang isang branch ng office na nag-deny sakin ng isang document stamp. I took the courage na magtanong sa kanila kahit malinaw ang instructions sakin ni kuya guard na next week pa ako ulit pwedeng bumalik due to some system changes accross all branches. Umakyat ako sa second floor and ooh lala, walang pila sa loob! Literally, ako ang next in line. I got what I needed in 2 minutes time. Pasig Pioneer office branch, you're a guardian angel.

This time nasa MRT station na ako. Pagbaba ko ng hagdan para maghintay at pumila papasok ng tren, I saw this guy beside me. Well, I saw him because he kinda looked at me first. May suot syang Harry Potter part 1 eyeglasses kaya I can still see his eye balls moving towards me. Surely he caught my attention for he's someone my type. We're about the same height, slender figure, fair and cute eyes. He could be younger but with the mask on, you know. Hard to tell.

Kulay rosas ang outfit niya. Full gear from top to bottom. If he made the same effort as I did, I'll switch vote in a snap. No second thought. Only to give it a chance between us. Apparently, he's going to a rally and that's 2 stations away from mine. I had the butterflies in my tummy. I thought he's also a guardian angel sent boyfriend to be but not. He made me smile tho and that's what's more important. I guess it's not yet time for me to change party. Hopefully not in the next 6 years pa. 

All through my journey back home, marami pa naman akong nakitang mga guardian angel sent to make me smile that day. Mga lalaking galing sa basketball practice, yung mga naka-above the knee shorts showing some leg muscles at mga tall and well-built men. Yung katabi ko sa bus pabalik ng Laguna I think is also cute. Slightly curly hair, medium built and manly. I know he's straight even with mask. It just feels nice to get close to someone you fancy. It's a guilty pleasure. I don't fall in love with straight guys because it's complicated. Kuntento nako sa mga thirst trap at sa mga facebook vs twitter vs IG posts. I can still manage my thing.

Let's go back to that guy at the MRT. Next to him was another gay guy but he leans only on my direction. That's when I knew he can be interested too. So bad he has prior commitment and's totally committed to it. May isa lang akong napansin sa kanya that's really making me feel something. It's the reason I wrote this hoping that maybe, in another MRT story we can finally do it. He is wearing the same watch as I do.

Dear watch, can you be my lifesaver?

My Gay Life

 

This is making me feel more comfortable. Opening myself in this very unpopular internet space, I'm considering myself making my way out of the closet. I still have a long way to go but since I don't believe that every gay person need to do a come out and so, it's fine. No argument needed. I just need an outlet where I can express myself some more. To speak my mind. So beware, this story is definitely not for kids. There's a lot of eating involved and so - let's chow chow!

Pasintabi sa english na intro. Yan lang talaga ang lumabas sa utak ko. Naalala ko din na unang beses akong nagka-crush nung grade three.  Nagustuhan ko siya kasi maganda si "G" (first letter of her name). That class picture captured it all. My first landian experience was with her. 

Then there was another "G" nung grade six. Si "M" at "M" nung first year high school, at si "R" nung fourth year. Lahat sila naka-MU ko at lahat sila ay babae. Wala akong recollection na nagkagusto sa lalaki nung bata. Ang naaalala ko lang ay nahuli ako nung bayaw ko na nagjajaks. High school ako nun at di ko sure kung babae o lalaki ang inspirasyon ko dun.

Two years ang age gap namin ng ate ko at naglalaro kami noon ng mowdeling. Pinaparampa nya ako ng naka palda. Hindi ko lang maalala kung gusto ko yung ginagawa ko pero lagi akong in character. Enjoy din ako sa Ms. Universe nun dahil ginanap siya sa Pinas pero the same time, naglalaro din ako ng mga cars, soldiers and transformer toys with the boys. 

I also happen to be a victim of sexual harassment when I was young. May kapitbahay kaming bakla na nagsasamantala sa akin by playing with my tool. It happened many times but I don't know what effect it had in me aside from knowing I was being manipulated by a pervert. Ang alam ko lang, may kalendaryo kami ng 'gwapings' sa kwarto at yun ang naging biktima ko ng sexual fantasies ko. 

Marami akong poging classmates nung college pero sa babae pa din ako nagka-crush. Si "J". Torpe at mahirap akong tao noon kaya hanggang crush lang ako. Not until nagka-trabaho ako at kumita ng pera at nakilala si "M" sa office. She became my first girlfriend, bestfriend at live in partner. Tumagal ang relasyon namin ng tatlong taon and it was the best of my life then. We were both active sa sex and I couldn't ask for a better partner that time. She broke up with me sa Dubai. It was my first.

Before ako nakarating ng Dubai at the age of 25, I somehow explored my sexuality. I had another girl crush sa office, si "B". She is very beautiful and I thought she is also into me. Committed pa ako nun and faithful kaya walang nangyari. Pero ang totoong nangyari, I went out with this gay guy sa office and spent a night with him. There was no sex but there was a little intimacy. After that little 'date', I started to go to sticky movie houses in down town Manila, tried to quietly pick up callboys from time to time and somehow ended up robbed at one time. The usual experiment you know.

Is this boring you now? Let's see. Ipasok na yung 'a lot of eating involved' sa scene. Push!

Nung nakarating na ako sa Dubai, parang isinilang ako ulit. Wala akong nakikitang maganda o pogi sa paligid. Dubai, hello, overflowing arabo memsh pero dedma talaga ako. Ang tanging goal ko ay ang bumuo ng perfect future with my girlfriend "M". Unfortunately, she fell out of love with me. I was devastated and ruined, helpless and lost. Until I got my first job. 

Jordanian yung boss ko. Pogi at approachable. I didn't get his signals when he tried to pinch my nipples inside the office or wink at me with a beautiful manly smile. Like all the signals I'm getting from my other arabic co-workers and foreign taxi drivers because I was so damn busy fixing my broken future with "M". Although "M" don't care anymore, but not my hunky arabic boss "J". 

"J" comforted me, and so I thought. He invited me for a joyride around the city and it was fun. He took me to the beach and talked in the sand under the moonlight. He was so smooth to outsmart me letting me fall to his lair. Sabi niya sa akin, babae daw ang tingin niya sa akin. Na-confuse ako at kinabahan. Lalo na nung sinabi niya na gusto niya akong halikan. Daaayyy jusko hinalikan niya ako sa open beach, sa lips, with dila! Potah nagkatotoo yung sinabi niya. Pakiramdam ko babae nga ako. 

There's no other place to go. Na-magnet na ako. Kahit bawal sa tinitirhan kong flat ang bisita, lalo na ang ibang lahi, napapasok ko siya sa kwarto ko. Sobrang kaba ko pero masaya because we're kissing like a newly wed couple. I admired him lalo na nung hindi niya ako pinilit ipenetrate when he asked. "J" is really a gentleman and I think that's how it all started. My gay life has come to life!

Nagka-girlfriend pa ako ng isa, si "M". Ma-el si "M" at magaling sa kama. Marami siyang pamahiin sa sex but I don't complain. Our irreconcilable differences brought us apart. Then came "L". Hindi siya girlfriend but we had something. It didn't work out with her too dahil marami nang nagbago sa paniniwala ko. She is wife material and I regret we didn't get a nice break up. 

That's all the girls at wala nang sumunod. Pero yung mga lalaki, sobrang dami. I can't count it. Different nationalities, different places. Different sex adventures with all different dangers. I think I had it all from two to three some, cam shows and stuff. I've also met a few good men who have the same discreet life as I do, with issues and who knows if they regret it or not. I don't. All o'these things really have a lot of eating involved for real. Also pissing and jacuzzi. 

It was really really fun. 

more to come...

A Poem for Him

 

Remembering the times we've spent together

Out of the blue, still makes me feel better 

Deep in my heart, I felt you are the one

In my mind I knew, my best days has begun

Never a bit you've failed to make me happy

Everything in my life means only you and me

Knowing that you are the love of my life

Even my darkest days are filled with light

Reaching your hand gives care and comfort

Valuing you doesn't need so much effort

Inspiring me to always be at my best 

Not a single moment I didn't feel I'm not blessed

Since we parted I didn't lose my thoughts of you

And knowing you're not mine is making me blue

Now you're not with me, I hope you take care 

To be safe and sure will be my constant prayer

Of all the things I knew, done and strived

Sharing love with you is the best part of my life

Girl Power

 

January 30, 2022 — The Philippines women's national football team aka Malditas qualifies for the 2023 Fifa Women’s World Cup. This is one historic event as no Philippine team of any gender has ever clinched a spot in football’s most prestigious competition Fifa. The Malditas defeated its opponent in the AFC Women’s Asian Cup and qualified in the next edition of Fifa next year.

Congratulations Malditas! 

Good job! We're all proud of you!

~ 8 ~

January 30, 2022 — Cheslie Kryst, American television presenter, model, and beauty pageant titleholder who was crowned Miss USA 2019 dies at 30. Police said Kryst jumped from a 60-story high-rise Manhattan apartment building and was pronounced dead at the scene Sunday morning. She reportedly left a suicide note leaving her belongings to her mother.

The Philippine Department of Health has said that every case of suicide is a tragedy that can be avoided. Thus, people who feel that they may be suffering from mental health problems and need help may call Hopeline hotlines:

•  804-HOPE (4673) 
• 0917-558-HOPE (4673), or 
• 2919 (toll-free number for Globe and TM subscribers) 

The Catch

 

"Kaya tayo iniiwan ng mga taong mahal natin ay dahil may taong darating na mas mamahalin tayo."

Kung hindi ko lang naging favorite movie ang One More Chance nina JL at Bea, hindi tatatak sa akin ang quote na 'yan. Or baka din kasi dahil sa quote na 'yan kaya ko naging favorite 'yung movie. Palindrome? Charot. Ewan. Pero bakit kasi iniiwan pa kung mahal naman. Di ba? Not charot but then again, ewan.

Huwag sana magalit si mareng Miley Cyrus sa akin kung gagamitin kong theme song ng phase ng buhay ko ngayon ang The Climb. Ba't kasi may theme song pa? Hindi naman kasi dahil sa gusto ko ng jowang perfect. Yung proseso at struggles ko kasi ngayon ang sentro ng buhay ko dahil nga sa desperado kong jowa quest na ito. The Climb. It's not the destination kasi eh, it's the journey. Ganoin.

Kung ano-anong websites at apps na ang ginamit ko. Accomplice ko pa yung bestie google ko sa paghanap ng mga libog, I mean dating sites na ito. Well, di naman siya literal na libog sites kasi hindi naman ako nalilibugan sa mga nakikita ko dun in the first place. Ang taas kasi ng standard ko eh. Kasing taas na ng hairline ko. Kaya kung hindi pa talaga ako kikilos ng paspasan, pati hairline ko magkaka-theme song na rin. Bitter Days. Bibirit yung hairline ko sabay lilipat ng ibang ulo. 

Gumamit na ako ng Blued. Dati pa 'to. Dito ko nakilala si recent pandemic sa chat nakipag-break up ni-walang message nung xmas at new year for old time's sake ex-jowa kong mahal ko pa kaya hindi ko na ginamit ulit ung app. Ayokong makita niya ako ulit dun kung sakali. Ayokong malaman niya na naghahanap ako kasi hindi ko kaya na wala siya. Ayokong magmukhang malungkot at kawawa. Ayokong lumabas na desperado sa paningin niya. Ayokong makita ko siya dun kung sakali. Demmit ang bitter ko bwisit. 

Nag-install ako ng Hornet at Jack'd. Hindi ko bet. Daming filter ng mga search options. Very specific kaya medyo limited. Mas feel ko yung random, yung may konting mystery. Hindi yung tipong naka post yung totoo mong profile pic then maliligwak ka agad kasi physically hindi ka pasok sa criteria nila. Gusto ko 'yung mag-jive muna tayo sa chat, get along with a sensible conversation that we like and eventually will turn our faces into someone that we like. Bongga. Hindi na kailangan ng fairy godmother. 

Gumawa ako ng account sa FilipinoCupid. Hindi ko rin nagustuhan. Ang layo ng mga lugar ng mga ka-match ng profile ko. Parang need ko maging cupid or magkaroon ng pakpak para maka-face to face 'yung mga ise-sex ko, I mean ime-meet ko. Hindi pasok sa love language ko 'yung LDR. Not gonna work talaga.

May isang website na komportable akong gamitin. Ito yung kauna-unahang website na ginamit ko (maliban sa yahoo chat kung saan ko nakilala ang mga adonis na pumukaw sa aking kamalayan na sila rin ang nag-suggest sa akin ng website na ito.) Ang Planet Romeo. Naka-open siya sa browser ko as you are reading this. Ganun siya ka-convenient para sa akin. No feeling of any pressure. I can be discreet and decent and just wait for any random guy to ping me. Proximity-wise, feeling ko most efficient siya. Feeling ko para lang akong isang bulaklak sa isang hardin na naghihintay ng dadapong bubuyog at kaka****in yung mga petals kong ubod ng tamis. 

What's the catch? Sa PR ninyo po ako mahahanap. Letter A ang profile name ko. (lols lols lols). Dapat pala yata Desperado yung theme song ng buhay ko ngayon. (lols lols lols). Natatawa ako kasi this is supposed to be not me pero it's me na. Joke ko lang dati yung pagiging hopeless romantic ako pero ngayon parang hopeless na lang ako, um-exit na yung romantic. Baka pati yung kanta ni Rihanna na We Found Love in a Hopeless Place um-exit na din at pagbawalan akong gamitin.

"The fisherman tells if it's a good catch, not the fish."

I apologize if walang kwenta 'tong post na 'to. As if may nagbabasa pa nga mga blogs na ganito. I'm jobless and this is the only thing I can do right now. To unload, and to do what I love to do. I've missed so many things when I still have a job and I owe this to myself. I'm happier and feeling better now. Jowa na lang talaga. (lols lols lols).

Should I try, or should I not?

Finding Him

May issue ako sa title ng post na ito and so I might need help. But first, let me write the actual content.

Finding Him. Opo. Tama po. Naghahanap po ako. Ginagawa ko ito kasi deep inside of me I know I have to do it. At this point, medyo (may stress sa medyo kasi hindi pa full force) masigasig ako sa paghahanap ng love life. Naniniwala pa din kasi ako sa sikat na sikat na overrated kasabihan na "dadating kung para sa 'yo" kaya medyo in denial pa din ako sa finding him quest ko na ito. Kung sino man ang nagpakalat ng kasabihan na yan ay lumantad na po at magsabi na ng totoo. Huwag pong paasa. Huwag po kayo magtago sa pen name na anonymous. Please.

On the other hand, hindi ko din naman alam yung totoong ending ng kwento ni Juan tamad. Kung nahulog ba talaga sa bibig niya yung bayabas just by waiting for it simply because it's his destiny. Kaya hindi ko din masisi ang sarili ko kung medyo desperate ako now to initiate a finding jowa drama anthology sa buhay ko. Malungkot maging malungkot. Lalo kung alam mo na kung paano maging masaya nang may kasama. And so this quest must go on!

I can't be a hypocrite. I can't deny the fact that people needs people. Yun ang hinahanap ng puso ko kaya yun din ang hinahanap ko. I can't deprive myself of real happiness I deserve. Reward to self, ganun. Para sa akin na medyo sexually attractive, I mean sexually active pa, nakakapagod talaga ang mag-isa. Nakakapagod humiga sa kama ng mag-isa at makipag-sex sa sarili ng mag-isa. Graduate na yung ibang pornstars sa mga napanood ko pero ako sa pagsasarili, hindi pa. 

Marami nang websites at dating apps akong nagamit. Medyo nakapag online live show na din ako dati just for fun but I remained subtle and reserved. Kahit ngayon na medyo active na ako ulit sa mga online dating keme na ito, hindi ko pa rin naging trip yung basta sex lang. I can still do it pero not on every given opportunity. Hindi kasi ako aswang na basta may laman kakainin na agad. Gusto ko pa rin yung may value. Lahat naman kasi tayo may value. Kailangan lang talaga mahanap yung match that will complement each values.

So far, my finding him quest is not so good but it's still on. I know it's because of my taste that everyone has their own. Besides, marami akong time. Galante ako sa benefit of the doubt kaya willing to spend time to get to know people ang profile headline ko. Mahirap lang talaga pilitin ang sarili kapag hindi mo gusto. I can carry a good convo but once I find it off, I won't press the red button to turn my chair around and say "I need you." Desperate yet patient. I'll try sa The Voice pag wala na talaga. As a singerist. Baka dun they need me pa. 

For me, there's no such thing as high standards when you're looking for someone to spend your life with. It's just standards. No high and no low. It's all but personal preferences. People will take you because they like you and they won't because they just can't. Simple logic. Hindi mo binili yung XL na t-shirt kasi maluwag. Binayaran mo yung medium size kasi yun ang fit sa'yo. End of story. 

Now, balik na tayo sa intro ko. Ano bang issue ko sa title ko? Honestly, medyo magulo lang kasi I'm also considering myself of dating women. Desperate, right? but I don't know if it's also right. Though in my younger years I used to date several women, there's just this bigger space in my heart for men. For me, men taste better than women. I understand men more than women. I can handle men better than women. I can be me with men than women. Then again, I know I can't dictate my heart to whom it will surrender to. Kaya ako ganito, kaya medyo may issue ako sa title ko.

Your thoughts?

Amen.

Bakit Hindi Pwedeng Maging Malungkot

Harsh ng title. New year na new year. lols

Happy New Year! I hope everyone's okay now. If not, I hope at least most of us are better now. I know for some, it's not as hard to cope with the pandemic as compared to others but for sure everyone has their own struggles one way or another. Alam mo yan kaya just keep the faith and stay holding on. Gow lang ng gow!

Hindi naman ako ganun kasama para utusan ko kayong lahat. Si lord ba ako? Ang positive kaya nung title - hindi pwedeng maging malungkot. Hmm, well. Sige na nga. Note to self ko talaga ito. Uso to kapag new year. Kung hindi ka pa aware, note to self na po ang bagong tawag sa new year's resolution. May gad, where've you been? Ngl, 2022 na at marami na ulit ang nagbago at nadagdag sa earth. Since now you know, you're very welcome. 

First thing I did this new year is to quit my job. Yes, nakakalokang desisyon. My 2 years and 9 months in the company ended just like that and I didn't even know exactly how it happened. Sobrang bilis. Gusto kong sisihin si Dr. Strange sa speed ng time lapse. I really liked my job that I even told myself that this will be my last company until I retire. I even got promoted to supervisor. Yes again, nakakalokang desisyon. Huwag kayong magalit sa akin. Mag-eexplain ako. 

I was hospitalized for 6 days. Ganito ang nangyari. Nagday-off ako, nag-netflix, nag-chill, nag-food trip, nag-soft drinks, nag-fruit salad. Tapos, sumakit ang tyan, nag-tae, nilagnat at ayun na nga, na-emergency room. Na-dextrose, na-diagnose ng madaming sakit, na-isolate, nag-sick leave. Di ko kasama si Dr. Strange ng mga time na yun pero diko ramdam ang oras sa bilis ng mga nangyari from netflix to that 6 days in the hospital. Dapat talaga netflix title ng blog na 'to kaso galit ako sa bandwagon.

Malungkot nun kasi mahina ang signal sa room ko pero sumasaya naman kapag dumadating na 'yung mga nurse na naka-astronaut suit. I love them so much. Most especially si kuya nurse na moreno, malambot yung kamay, ma-kwento at magalang. Soft spoken pero masculine. May sense of humor pero hindi offensive. Perfect yarn? Kahit umabot ng 3 attempts yung pagtusok nya sa akin para sa IV, puro pagmamahal lang ang naramdaman ko. Kung may laptop ako nung time na yon, nai-publish ko na yung love story namin na naisulat ko sa isip ko. Kuya nurse is simply inspiring. I hope to meet him again to change the ending of our love story. Charing.

Bumalik ako sa work ko pero I'm not feeling ok. It gotten more weird kasi I started to hate my job. Sinuka ng sistema ko yung mga naipon na pagod, sacrifices at sobrang daming stress na nabuo sa utak ko. Hindi ko talaga napigilan nung biglang pinindot ng mga daliri ko yung power button ng cpu ko at dinala ako ng mga paa ko sa kwarto at humiga ang katawan ko kama ko. I don't know pero nakahinga ako ng maluwag. There was a sudden breath of fresh air galing sa electric fan ko. Sobrang kumalma ng mundo ko. 

Gusto ko mag-sorry sa mga boss ko, sa mga agents ko at co-workers ko. Sana mapatawad at eventually maintindihan ninyo kung paano ko nagawa ito. Seryoso ako kasi alam ko sa paningin nyo malaking kasalanan ang nagawa ko. I won't blame you because I too can't blame myself for what I did. I just discovered the weak side of me. Di ko lang ine-expect na si netflix pa talaga ang magiging daan ng monumental discovery na ito in my life. Daming netflix sa blog ko ah, royalty is waving na oh. 

I came out of my comfort zone because of peer pressure. It took a toll on me and it's fine. Mas nakilala ko pa ang sarili ko. For someone who claims to be open-minded, positive, diverse and cool at 41, hindi ito madaling panindigan. Magaling lang talaga ako magdala. Sabi ko nga, it took a toll on me and the recovery is nooot eeeeaassy. Ayaw ko sanang isama dito yung mental health issue ko pero it's really part of it. Like I said, I hate bandwagon. This is just me.

So, bakit nga ba bawal ang maging malungkot? It has always been my belief. Nakakapangit kapag malungkot. Nakaka-nega ng vibe kapag malungkot. Nakakahawa kapag may malungkot. Let me be more personal with this. Malungkot ako kasi wala na akong jowa. Malungkot ako kasi wala na akong work ulit. Malungkot ako kasi pandemic pa din. Ang dami kong lungkot at alam ko hindi ko deserve 'to. Kaya eto ang tanong ko. Ano ang sense bakit kailangan may lungkot? 

Yun ay para hanapin mo ang saya. 

Gets mo ba?

The Pandemic Breakup

 

It's panic attack. Yung naranasan ko sa team building namin from my last post. Naulit pa iyon ng maraming beses at iyon ang sabi ng mga doktor na tumingin sakin. At first, sobrang bothered ako dahil iyon ang paulit-ulit na sinasabi ng isip ko. That there's something wrong in me and something not good is going to happen. Mahirap siyang kontrolin at labanan. Akala ko mababaliw na ako and it really scared me like literally for real. 

Yung panic attack ko nagsanga pa. Nakaramdam din ako ng depression at anxiety. Na-combo ako. Ang hirap ng ang kalaban mo ay ang isip mo. Hindi ko totally gets ang differences ng PDA (panic attack, depression, anxiety, imbento ko lang ang acronym, not sure kung may ganyan ba talaga) pero since naging takbuhan ko si google tuwing inaatake ako, I thought PDA talaga ang nararanasan ko. I have all the boxes checked. Kung exam 'to, 100/100 ang score ko. Perfect but not in a good way perfect. 

Thankful ako kay besty google. Somehow it helped me realize kung ano ang nangyayari sa akin with the absence of a real doctor. All of what I've read helped me calm down and eased my mind one way or another. I'm not recommending anything here. This is all based on what I have gone through and what worked for me. Pandemic that time at struggle ko ang pagkuha ng professional help. Mahirap humanap ng doktor, matagal ang pag-set ng appointment at mahal ang bayad. All of it had become another burden for my already sick mind. It's not an easy decision to make. I was close to losing it all.

Luckily and not so luckily, I was able to manage the majority of my mental illnesses. Hindi ko alam kung paano ko iyon nagawa. Ang alam ko lang mas pinili kong maging positive sa lahat. Doon lang ako kumapit at doon lang ako naniwala. My positive mind helped me through it all. I thought I won a battle. 

                                                                              ~ 8 ~

I'm always dreaming of experiencing a surprise. Before my second pandemic birthday, nag-imagine ako na may mag-surprise sa akin since GCQ na at pwede nang mag-manianita. Wala naman nagtangka but yeah, no big deal. Birthday parties are for kids, sabi ng biterrela kong self. But wait, it's not over yet and I just received the "surprise" of my life. My boyfriend of 4 years and 8 months chatted me and broke up with me. Sa messenger. Surprise Yehey. We're over. Just like that. 

Natulala ako ng slight at nag-panic. Gusto kong mag-walling kaso cliché. Ang hirap nang wala kang masabihan. Nakapila na ang mga luha ko sa mata pero hindi ko pinayagang mag-out. Hindi ako handa sa explanation kung bakit ako umiiyak sa gitna ng masayang tanghalian with my family. I felt alone and betrayed. Ang dami kong emosyon noon pero bawal kong maramdaman. Me and my closeted self. It's just so hard.

I've never imagined na 'yung natatanging tao na nagbigay ng kulay sa buhay ko bigla lang magwa-walk out in the middle of the pandemic. I don't get his reasons but he still left. I never considered our relationship perfect but it's all I've ever wanted. Kahit paulit-ulit lang, kahit walang surprises, ngiti at hawak lang niya sakin sapat na sapat na. Siya lang talaga eh, siya lang...

Life has to go on. With the pandemic, anxiety, depression, panic attack, break-up or with or without a birthday surprise, I have to continue with my life. I have to be stronger every day for what to come next. We don't know what's ahead of us but one thing is for sure, there'll still be pain and sadness as you go along. Most of the time, you only have your self to depend on and I hope you don't fail your self. 

I'm hoping to have a more positive content in my next post but nevertheless, I hope this one helps someone. #healyourselfwithapositivemind

Babala: Nangyayari sa totoong buhay. Nakakalerki.