It's panic attack. Yung naranasan ko sa team building namin from my last post. Naulit pa iyon ng maraming beses at iyon ang sabi ng mga doktor na tumingin sakin. At first, sobrang bothered ako dahil iyon ang paulit-ulit na sinasabi ng isip ko. That there's something wrong in me and something not good is going to happen. Mahirap siyang kontrolin at labanan. Akala ko mababaliw na ako and it really scared me like literally for real.
Yung panic attack ko nagsanga pa. Nakaramdam din ako ng depression at anxiety. Na-combo ako. Ang hirap ng ang kalaban mo ay ang isip mo. Hindi ko totally gets ang differences ng PDA (panic attack, depression, anxiety, imbento ko lang ang acronym, not sure kung may ganyan ba talaga) pero since naging takbuhan ko si google tuwing inaatake ako, I thought PDA talaga ang nararanasan ko. I have all the boxes checked. Kung exam 'to, 100/100 ang score ko. Perfect but not in a good way perfect.
Thankful ako kay besty google. Somehow it helped me realize kung ano ang nangyayari sa akin with the absence of a real doctor. All of what I've read helped me calm down and eased my mind one way or another. I'm not recommending anything here. This is all based on what I have gone through and what worked for me. Pandemic that time at struggle ko ang pagkuha ng professional help. Mahirap humanap ng doktor, matagal ang pag-set ng appointment at mahal ang bayad. All of it had become another burden for my already sick mind. It's not an easy decision to make. I was close to losing it all.
Luckily and not so luckily, I was able to manage the majority of my mental illnesses. Hindi ko alam kung paano ko iyon nagawa. Ang alam ko lang mas pinili kong maging positive sa lahat. Doon lang ako kumapit at doon lang ako naniwala. My positive mind helped me through it all. I thought I won a battle.
~ 8 ~
I'm always dreaming of experiencing a surprise. Before my second pandemic birthday, nag-imagine ako na may mag-surprise sa akin since GCQ na at pwede nang mag-manianita. Wala naman nagtangka but yeah, no big deal. Birthday parties are for kids, sabi ng biterrela kong self. But wait, it's not over yet and I just received the "surprise" of my life. My boyfriend of 4 years and 8 months chatted me and broke up with me. Sa messenger. Surprise Yehey. We're over. Just like that.
Natulala ako ng slight at nag-panic. Gusto kong mag-walling kaso cliché. Ang hirap nang wala kang masabihan. Nakapila na ang mga luha ko sa mata pero hindi ko pinayagang mag-out. Hindi ako handa sa explanation kung bakit ako umiiyak sa gitna ng masayang tanghalian with my family. I felt alone and betrayed. Ang dami kong emosyon noon pero bawal kong maramdaman. Me and my closeted self. It's just so hard.
I've never imagined na 'yung natatanging tao na nagbigay ng kulay sa buhay ko bigla lang magwa-walk out in the middle of the pandemic. I don't get his reasons but he still left. I never considered our relationship perfect but it's all I've ever wanted. Kahit paulit-ulit lang, kahit walang surprises, ngiti at hawak lang niya sakin sapat na sapat na. Siya lang talaga eh, siya lang...
Life has to go on. With the pandemic, anxiety, depression, panic attack, break-up or with or without a birthday surprise, I have to continue with my life. I have to be stronger every day for what to come next. We don't know what's ahead of us but one thing is for sure, there'll still be pain and sadness as you go along. Most of the time, you only have your self to depend on and I hope you don't fail your self.
I'm hoping to have a more positive content in my next post but nevertheless, I hope this one helps someone. #healyourselfwithapositivemind
Babala: Nangyayari sa totoong buhay. Nakakalerki.
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